lorenzo von matterhorn

Being Smart About Looking Smart: Pulling Off the Intellectual Look
By Christina Lam on Mar. 8, 2010

Not everyone can be smart. Some light bulbs just come out of the factory dimmer then the others.

And those are the ones we throw away.

But ANYWAY, it’s fine if you’re not smart. You just need to have OTHER people think you’re smart. You too can land an impressive internship or job, and win the hearts and minds of your peers.

Step 1

Wear glasses. This is the most obvious thing. Ironically, if you were ACTUALLY smart, you’d have contacts. But for some reason, glasses equals smart. I think it’s because of those movies. You know, the ones where the unassuming cute girl becomes the super hot girl once she takes off those HIDEOUS glasses. Hmm… on second thought, maybe don’t go for the glasses. They don’t flatter everyone. A good compromise might be reading glasses. That way you can look intellectual as you read the New York Times every morning on the bus/train to work/school.

Step 2

Carry a copy of Newsweek or Time or the Wall Street Journal, or some other smart-seeming magazine. Any average Joe can read the newspaper; they write it at the level of eighth graders, after all. But a smarty-pants magazine? That’s special and shows slightly more effort. It’s like, you don’t get enough from watching Katie Couric and you need to supplement your news with more in-depth stuff. You should get a subscription, and try to flash that little white box to strangers, so they know you “read” it every week (you don’t actually have to read it, silly!).

Step 3

Get a clean haircut. Something neat and simple. This will make you look more dull and boring, but people will assume you are smart as well. Smart people know that presentable people are the ones that get ahead in life. If you’re not smart, but maybe at least a little cool, don’t be afraid of a dull haircut. Here’s what people will think of you: “Hmm… this person looks… kinda boring…. Wait, did he/she just make a funny joke? I am intrigued!” See? Wow them with your personality and that strange juxtaposition will leave them wanting more. Helloooooo job offer!

Step 4

Use big words and reference obscure things. If you’re around other not-so-smart-people, you can get away with using fake words and references. Using fake words is also easier on you. Say something like, “Yes, I agree that his move was completely SUAUSNOUS! It’s all very Lorenzo Von Matterhorn of him.” No one will know what you’re talking about, but they’ll be too embarrassed to seem uncultured to call you out on it. If they do, just act incredulous and say something like, “YOU don’t know who LORENZO VON MATTERHORN is?” And then walk away. People will be stunned with just how smart you are because you are acting like a supreme douche. Smart people are almost always supreme douches.

Conclusion: Being smart is all about how you look and how you word things.

Of course, you could actually increase your IQ and watch CNN, read classic novels like “War and Peace,” and review your biology notes once in a while instead of throwing them away after your test… but really, who has the time and patience for that? If you’re pretty sure you’re not going to be the next Einstein, worry your pretty little head about other important things like reality TV and your weight.

Good luck wowing them at the next meet-and-greet!

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